'Twas the night before Christmas (on the UP)


'Twas the night before Christmas back in '03,
and no one was working 'cept losers like me.

Departing the depot my engineer and I,
fighting fatigue on another red eye.

My engineer and I both dreading the hell
of yet one more holiday at the hotel.

Not ten miles out as we went through the night,
a feeling upon us that something's not right.

We should have a clear... this signal was flashin'...
an approach came next as is usually the fashion.

Then what to my sleep deprived eyes should appear,
a dark signal and banner with officers near.

We started to slow when he said with a sigh,
"I really am tempted to just blow on by."

But rather than take thirty days of vacation,
we settled ourselves for this sad situation.

Three wise men climbed on as we looked to see,
an MTO, a Super, and an MOP.

They said, "'Tis the season for family and resting,
we thought it was a really nice night for some testing.

"We wish a safe holiday for both of you
but we found an exception, so here's a Level Two.

"We looked at your delay and it's just as we like,
but you misspelled a word here so here's one more strike.

"You set nineteen pounds here instead of twenty,
so here is one more... don't worry, there's plenty.

"We know it's the eve of the birth of your savior,
but feel that we simply must change your behavior.

"Christ died on the cross as a way to atone us,
but we are concerned about the size of our bonus.

"We'd like to say 'thanks guys' for making this run,
oh, here's one more strike just in case we missed one."

They made us sign papers and said nothing more,
and one cut a fart as they went out the door.

We sat there a moment, my engineer still sighing,
I started to laugh, it was that or start crying.

I said to myself, "This time of the season,
we forgive all men for whatever the reason.

"It's just their job what these officers do,
for deep down inside they are like me and you.

"This feeling of love is what Christmas is about."
I opened my window and puked my guts out.

I heard one exclaim as they left in the night,
"Here's one more Level for a burned out ditch light!"

~ anon.